It's Been A While

Hey, what's up? You may or may not be asking, "what the heck happened to this blog? I can practically see thick cobwebs in the dusty corners of the screen."

Well...life happened.


Image is from sevenwholedays.org

There's too much big stuff to recount so, as usual, I'll be treating this glaringly white screen as my pensieve. Yes, I took that from JK Rowling.

I'm almost 30 now and paying attention to my age alone means that I'm taking stock of what's been going on so far in my life. First off, I promised myself that as soon as my birthday ends I'll start using those trainers and tight spandex to work my fat butt (no, not really) and belly (yep, for sure) off. There's also making sure to raise up my son so that when I and his dad leave this earth he can stand on his own two feet without a hitch. Then there's financial security - my brain (my wallet and my bank account) doesn't really give me a break when it comes to this one.

Whew. I'm sure there's a lot more that I'm supposed to write about but those are the main things that I really wanted to get off my chest. For now.

I'm starting a new project...finally. I'm hoping to start the other projects that have been taking up permanent residence on my To Do List.

Wish me luck!

Being A Mom

I used to really hate kids.
I don't like seeing them.
I never liked being in the same room where kids are running around screaming their heads off.
I always had the feeling that they'd put a gum in my hair, or run a grocery cart right into the back of my ankles, or step on my newly pedicured feet.
Yes. All of those happened to me.
I hated kids.
Until I became a mom.

Now I see babies, toddlers, preschoolers and those in gradeschool and my heart melts.
Yes I still have those moments when I'd like to give those naughty ones a good spanking, but then, I see my son in my head.
And in a blink of an eye, I relax. And I smile.
Ooh those chubby cheeks and smiling eyes.

Ah I love you my dearest son.
Mommy will try to be the best mommy in the world for you.
You'll be home from Bicol soon.
Mommy and Daddy misses you so much.

Posted via Blogaway

Posted via Blogaway

Best Wishes

Weddings.
Never thought I'd have one.

Now I'm excited to plan my wedding with you.

I imagine myself trembling at the edge of the red carpet.
Everyone's eyes on me.
My breath hitches and catches on my throat.
Butterflies fly like crazy in my stomach.
There's a ringing in my ears and I feel faint.

Then I see you.

Smiling at the end of the aisle,
waiting for me.

My feet starts walking on the carpet.
Perhaps there's a sense of me floating?
I can't wait to reach you
...to put my hand on yours
...to feel your warmth.

I reach you at last.
I look at you for a moment,
my eyes searching your face.
I see your dimple,
if only I could kiss it now, I would think.
I see your lips,
lucky me, I found Cupid's bow.

Then I finally put my hand on yours.
And I know all is right with the world.

Marry me?

Changes

You asked me to delete them old stuff so I did.

That's how much I love you.
The part where I told you that my notes are a source of pride. It's always been true.
But for you I can forget my pride.
Funny, someone asked me which was more important, love or pride?
Course that was back then so I answered pride.
Then I lost count of how many times I ate my word.
You're the one who made me eat them, did you know?
Everyone I know is shocked at how I've changed. For the better ha.
My friends are especially surprised at how sweet I am to you (naks!)
They told me I was the farthest thing from sweet before.
Ha! What have you now?
Your sweetest wife, of course.
Or at least, trying to be.

I love, love, love, love, love you.
Thank you for the blog posts. It touched me to my very core.

Steady Strength

It's been a while since I've posted here.
A lot's happened already.
Preggers, marriage, soon to be a full-time mum...
Before all these, there's a small part in me that had inhibitions -
thoughts of our marriage not working out:
me leaving you, you leaving me,
you know, that kind of thing where it all ends in unhappiness?
I guess these thoughts are remnants of the beliefs I've had about love.
I never believed I would be lucky enough to meet someone who would truly love me.

Well, it's been a pleasant surprise everyday
To see your care, to feel your affection, and to taste your passion.
(The latter, really, has been the most amazing thing with me being apathetic mostly and all that)

Everyday I know my love for you grows stronger.
Steadily stronger.

For You II

I woke up today in total darkness.
But it was ok because I felt you beside me.
Your warmth.
Your heaviness.
Your silent, constant breathing that tells me you're asleep.
It gave me such joy because you were with me.
I searched around for my phone and read your message:
'To be honest I'm scared because you're scared'
I'm sorry for scaring you, my love.
I'm scared of hurting you, yes.
But I'm scared of losing you even more.
That, I've just realized at this very moment.
And it hurts when I think about how you will leave.
I've never been like this before.
Always, I have an exit plan before I go into any situation.
- into any relationship.
But not with you.
I never thought about this exit plan.
I just went with the flow when I started with you.
I'm not even thinking of an exit plan -
simply because my brain can't accept the fact that you won't be with me.
I'm scared.
I've always relied on myself.
I've never shared myself with anyone.
Not even family.
And now, I'm opening myself up to you.
Relying on you. Depending on you.
If you leave me, I'm lost.
You'll be my karma.
And I've realized that you're not beside me.
It was my brain playing cruel tricks on me.
I miss you.
I love you.
Don't leave me.

For You

I don't believe in Absolutes.

The Universe possibly doesn't have an end.
There is no such thing as Forever.

But let's talk about you.

To be honest, I never thought we would be together.
I've always thought of you as someone who's into the demure and feminine type.
So. Not. Me.
When you were into another girl who fit that category I've thought,
'How lucky she is to have your admiration and love.'
And now I am saying,
How lucky I am to have your admiration and love.
You know that right?

I'm scared.
Afraid to trust your belief in the Absolute.
But I trust you.
I trust in your love and your intention to stay with me.
Perhaps not forever but I know you will try.
I'm not the forever-type of girl anyway.
And I will try too.
I have never stayed long enough with anyone before.
I hope it's you I'll stay with.
Not forever.
As long as you're happy with me, I'll be here.

It's raining.
How apt. My blog started one rainy day, you know.
I've had lots of firsts with you.
I hope the lasts are yours too.

You don't have to make me believe in absolutes.
You're here. That's good enough for me.
See you in a bit. ^^

Requesting for Vacation Leavesssss

I need a rest.

Hearing others out takes a toll on you
Giving way wears me out
Working for free tires me

I want to go to my happy place.
Wherever that is
No work
No issues
I'll be someone new.
When I get back I'll have new views
New perspectives
Relaxed. Composed. Focused.

I'm not getting any younger
The future looms over me
I have to either face it head on
Or hunched over, cowering.
Gotta be prepared
So, please give me rest.

@ Work: Insubordination

Currently at work...

Nothing to do. 
Errr...I'm actually channeling insubordination.
Let's see where it goes.
Right now, I'm thinking, 'To Hell with the consequences'
Wonder what's going to happen tomorrow.
Brrrr...

Don't Fall For Me

Don't fall for me
Don't mistake my smiles for more than friendship
If I like you I'd ignore you
I'd avoid you like the plague

If you say, 'my heart is yours'
Take it back now
You'll have to thaw it out
For the ice in me is fierce

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
Hurt you or make you love me
I never flirted
I just needed a friend

If you were the flower in my field
The one I cherish from afar
Then I'd say, 'my heart is yours'
Softly that is, so only the wind hears.

...Sorry I just had to get this out of my head.

Remember Patience

So I'm to start as a chat support rep on June 17.
Orientation is on the 13th.
And yes I'm putting that all here to remind myself of these V.I. dates.

I'm not really excited. As we speak. Or as I type.
Maybe it's the heat and the way I'm sweating like a pig right now.
Or maybe it's just me.
Yes, yes, no to gloomy stuff here.
I can still remember what I said in my past post.

Still, where will I post these ramblings?
these doubts? these weaknesses?
these weakening of the spirit?
okaay, emo. I know.

Maybe I'm just feeling down because of boredom?
I know I saw someone post something like,
'so bored, starting to be depressed'
or something like that.
Maybe it's just that.

Galing sa Tumblr

Nagtrabaho ba ko para mag-Inet?
Walang masyadong pasyenteng pumapasok ngayon dito sa ospital.

Trabaho ko lang naman eh mag-admit. Sabi nung isang bantay, reception.

I resent that.

Di naman sa minamaliit ko ang mga receptionist.

Haller. Maliitin ko ang beauty nila? Kapal ng mukha ko.

Yun nga kasi eh. Di ako receptionist. Admission/Information Officer ako.

Whatever that is.

I know, I know. Hunghang na kung hunghang.

Pasukin ba naman ang trabaho na wala kang alam.

Eh sa Bum nga ako eh. Desperado i-assert ang dignity by means of a job.

And now here it is.

Lunod. Windang. Lost. Pagala-gala.

Sinusubukang makuha ang approval ng boss at officemates.

Trying to fit in. As usual.

Be Happy! :)

It takes a lot of effort to be happy,
but, it only takes a small thing to ruin my day.

I've recently learned that happiness
is not something you find.
It can't be sought, because
we already have it.

The trouble is, we don't see it.

Happiness is everywhere.
It's in the everyday things.
We only have to open ourselves to it.

You can probably tell
that I've written this
to remind myself what happiness is, right?

V-day!

A lot of people are feeling lazy today, maybe?
Not much people in the hospital lobby right now.
And the doctors are late.
Well, that's not unusual, I suppose.

It's kind of funny how V-day fell on a Monday.
The start of the working week,
usually the most hated day,
the day when it's hard to get out of bed,
yeah, all that and more.

But for today, I guess most people
are aching to start their day,
maybe they've got a lot to look forward to,
a lot of plans with their dates,
yeah, all that and more.

I used to hate V-day, you know.
If you had someone give you something,
it would've been embarrassing.
If no one gave you something,
it would've been sad.
All these conflicting emotions.

Kapal lang ng fezlak ko!
I suppose that's how I was dati.
I've gotten over that ambivalence.
Instead of mulling over V-day,


I focus on myself and what I have to do.
Afterall, it's still a normal day.
So, Happy Valentine's day to y'all! :)

It's One of Those Days

It's 5 minutes to lunch the last time I checked.

Gloomy outside, a little breezy,
the day hints of melancholy
and as much as I want to avoid it,
I can't help but absorb the atmosphere.

I said I wouldn't post any sad stuff here
but I can't help it.
Let's let it slide just this once.

Maybe the idea of being new @ work,
having no close friends to hang out with,
and being out of my comfort zone,
helps aggravate my 'mild misery'.

I was happy yesterday.
Happy, as in relaxed, calm, and content.
Not ecstatic or laughing my head off.
Not great joy; More of a quiet sort.

I realized that happiness
is not something you look for.
It's just something you have to be.
Something you do.
Your choice, your doing.

Lemme try to condition myself again.
Reading notes about happiness works.
Now I'm off to lunch.

Afraid to Hope

Finally.
I've got something to do.
I know everyone is not happy
'cept for my boss, probably.
So what if it's not what I've studied for?
So what if it doesn't pay that much?
(or if it pays nothing at all)
So what if it's not what they all want for me?
I'm just glad I've got something to do.
I'm just glad someone wants me.
Yeah, it's scary.
It's a whole new world.
There's tons I've got to learn
And a lot more for me to experience.
It's not a lot of fun,
but it's not a total dump either.
There's lots of people to be nice to,
but everyone is nice
at least for now.
So, it's not all bad.
I'm just taking it a day at a time.
Trying not to overthink,
or to overdream,
or to overexpect.
If no one is happy for me,
then at least I'll be happy for myself.

Random Stuff

I don't think I'll ever have the time to edit this particular post.
I'm not even sure if I have anything worth posting here.
Just want to say hi to my blog.
It's been a while. Really.

So the thing is (sorry TL can't help it)
I found this job ad
It starts on the 6th and I'm still here,
waiting
for wut, I dunno.
Or maybe I'm, once again, in my signature zombie-like trance.

It happens when something important occurs in my life.
I can't decide as quickly as I want to and yet I know,
I really, really know how important this thing is.
I mean, camon.
I've wanted this kind of job for a long time
And now it's here. humehello na
wut the hell am I doing, dumbstruck?
ngrrr...get.out.of.this.trance. NOW.
yun lang.

A New Path

An opportunity has been given to me.
At first, I thought it was impossible.
Too late. No more time for second chances.

I thought more on it though,
and I realized that despite the shock and negativity
that this little event brought on,
there was a tiny spark of excitement in me.

The thought of actually making things happen,
the 'what if it can be ' feeling,
I felt a sense of wonder.

I decided to take it on.
A challenge, perhaps?
Most probably.

I'm going back to school.
Hopefully. :)

Little Traveller

This is another FB repost

Today at 7:24pm
Sometimes you need to lose your old self to find yourself.
But when you find yourself,
don't lose yourself again....
- Paolo Coelho

There is no coincidence.
I was just thinking a few days ago that I lost the little traveler that was me.
And I want her back.

I think the only people who knew
that old me would be my parents and my older sister. Yeah and I told Bem some days ago, too.

When I was in preschool, I'd get myself in trouble with mama.
Not because I fought with the other kids or was naughty in class.
But because she would always end up as the last parent
in the waiting area for parents picking up their kids.
Sometimes she would even stay up to near afternoon looking all over for me.

I was always wandering around, see.
I marveled at the unknown rooms and giant structures
that was the gymnasium and auditorium.
I was exhilarated at exploring the silence of the chapel.
It was thrilling, that sense of the forbidden.
And yeah I remembered slipping myself
in between the barred gates of the playground.
To check if I can get in, I'd slip my lunchbox first
in between the metal grills of the gate.
Then I'd try to see if I can get my head
to the other side of those bars.
If it fits, then the game begins!
How simple that happiness was! And yet how profound. :)

So I was trying to bring back the feeling of the fearless traveler.
The endless excitement of satiating one's curiosity
without fearing other's judgement.
I was never worried about what others would think back then
maybe because I had no one with me to worry about.
Still I miss the carefree days of my traveling years.

I'll try to channel it again.
Wish me luck. :)

The Right Side Of My Bed

Okay, so I've noticed I'm posting a-notch-lower-than-heavy
kind of stuff. Emo to be precise.

So at this point I'm gonna try, really, to inject enthusiasm,
a bit of a cheer, some optimism,
all the non-heavy stuff on my posts.

After all, we have to choose happiness.
I have to stop going with the heavy flow of pessimism or nihilism.
It's not good for my life.

Although I'm pretty certain that Rainy Days will always
evoke a bit of nostalgia, wistfulness, and a sense of solitude in me.
Thus, provoking the flow of my creative juices.
(*cough cough ahem*)
Hence, the name of my blog.

Ah well.
Rainy Days doesn't always mean sadness.
It's all kinds of purging at most. And that's not negative.

So, hopefully, my next post would be a refreshing kind.
Like a fresh summer drizzle.

Cheers.